Gore Glum over Feline Flatulence

Global terrorism, Iran with nuclear weapons, Russia pealing back democracy! What a dangerous world in which we live. But do these even rate among the concerns of Democrats? What do they see as the greatest threat to the planet? Global warming, of course. That’s right, the global devastation being reeked by feline farts and puppy poots. Never mind that a score or preeminent scientists say that the evidence does not support his outlandish claims. And the left-wing press showed up in droves to cover Al Gore’s bloviating over the subject. This after CBS told us that they will not air their interview with the Iraqi ambassador who says the situation in Iraq is getting better, because CBS claims it’s boring and we have heard it all before.

And what about the tons of carbon dioxide released by Gore’s private jets as he crisscrosses the country to sound the alarm, not to mention the voluminous amounts of heat and excess carbon dioxide he himself releases into the atmosphere every time he launches into his diatribe? Well, he buys carbon credits to make up for the fact that he produces 14 times the amount of green-house gas than that of the average person. Carbon credits, of course, are contracts that countries like China sell, promising to offset a certain amount of green-house emission in their part of the world to allow Gore to devastate his part unabated. Carbon credits are sold on the open market, brokered by a company like the one Al Gore owns. Under the terms of the contract, China will demolish, for example, a coal-burning power plant. And what does China do with the net profit after demolishing the power plant? You guessed it; it builds another coal-burning power plant. Now you see why it is so vitally important that China remain exempt from the Kyoto Treaty. I got to hand it to him. Supporting Chinese communists is no big deal; all Democrats do that. But making a profit at the same time is brilliant. Wait until he unveils his Universal Caron Credit program whereby the Federal government funds carbon credits for everyone. This pipeline from the Federal Treasury to Gore’s pockets (after an obligatory stop in Beijing) will supply him a campaign war chest ten times the size of Clinton’s Swiss bank account. Gore can just buy the presidency without having to ask Buddhist monks for campaign donations this time.

No Mormon President for Me!

There is shocking news that Republican contender, Mitt Romney is descended from polygamists. Although the Federal government marched into Utah to force Mormons to give up polygamy about 30 years after it marched into South Carolina to force Southern Baptists to give up slavery, being descended from slaveholders like George Bush is one thing but being descended from polygamists is quite another. Have you ever heard of anyone good descending from polygamists? Ok, so there was that Jesus fellow who performed a lot of miracles but aside from rescuing the Salt Lake City Olympics and getting Massachusetts to vote Republican, what miraculous things has Romney done? Ok, so maybe he is a bit of a miracle worker, but can you imagine him as President? Sure he might balance the budget, win the war in Iraq, bring peace to Palestine and convince Leiberman to see the light and finally switch parties, but what then? Edwards might realize that the only reason there are two Americas is because he and his trial-lawyer buddies sued the crap out of one them. Can imagine how bored you would be without the warning labels to read while you enjoy a hot beverage or apple turnover at McDonalds. Barach and Hilary might start getting along, again. How dangerous is that? Or worse Bill and Hilary could fall in love for real and take to dancing on the beach again! Yuck! I couldn't take it the first time. No, thank you! No Romney for me. I wonder what McCain's and Julianni's great-grandfathers were up to.

And a new study out today reports that liberals that go into science are 50 times as likely to suffer from hyperopia (that's far-sightedness for those whose brains have been burned out by too many Kerry speeches). A spokesman for the study said, "Liberal scientists seem to be able to see far into the future or far into the past but are otherwise clueless concerning more recent events." As evidence researchers point to a recent announcement that liberal scientists have found the tomb of Jesus and a child said to be Jesus' son from some 2,000 years ago. This while they have no idea where to look for former Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa who disappeared just thiry years ago and the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is a total mystery. They also point out that these scientists can predict the climate 100 years from now while weather a week from now is still quite iffy. And while liberal scientists can tell us that people came from apes, much to Hilary Clinton's chagrin, Barach Obama seems to have come out of nowhere.