Sharpton Insults Democrats; ACLU Defends Terrorists' Rights

Well, Sharpton has got himself in some hot water again. Concerning Governor Romney, he said, “Here we have the only Mormon candidate running for president. Don’t worry about him; those who really believe in God will defeat him.” When Romney was asked to comment, he said he was surprised that Sharpton would make such a bigoted comment. Now I think Romney is really out of touch if he is just learning that Sharpton is a bigot. Or perhaps he was just goading Sharpton into clarifying his statement. In the most convoluted parsing since “is” was redefined, Sharpton claimed that he was not implying that Mormons do not believe in God but was referring to Democrats that believe in God would vote against Romney. That comment sparked outrage among the ACLU, the Center for Understanding Islamofascists, dead people, Rosie O’Donnel and other core Democrat groups. Spokesman Bill Mahrer said, “I am deeply shocked and greatly offended that Sharpton would imply that Democrats believe in God.”

A terrorist plan was uncovered when an alert video store clerk noticed that some middle-Eastern men wanted several copies made of videos instructing how to use certain weapons. The plan to attack military installations in New Jersey was subsequently foiled. The six defendants will now be represented by the ACLU in a multimillion-dollar law suit that claims these individual’s rights were violated. The ACLU claims that the clerk had no right to report them when they were only exercising their first-amendment rights to have such material and it is their religious duty as good Muslims to blow up Americans. The ACLU was also asked why it was also asserting that their second-amendment rights were being violated since the ACLU has long stood for gun control. A spokesman stated that, “Although we generally think citizens should not have weapons, the Constitution clearly makes exceptions for terrorists and bodyguards of abortion doctors.” A spokesperson for the anti-war group Pink Ladies said, “This never would have happened if George Washington hadn’t gone into New Jersey to begin with. It was an illegal war and I hope President Bush takes advantage of the Queen’s current visit to make things right.” When it was pointed out that loosing New Jersey means losing a state that votes largely Democrat, the spokesperson responded, “The Iranian government is mostly Democrat but I don’t advocate occupy it either. Besides, we will never run out of new Democrats; that’s what illegal immigration is for.”