We Need Undocumented Appropriation Reform

It’s time we show some compassion. There is a group of patriotic Americans that endure derision simply because they appropriate funds from banks without proper documentation. Hateful bigots among us call them thieves and bank robbers. Such despicable names are racist and do not take into account the plight of these needy people. How desperate must these people be to leave their friends and family and live in the shadows of society by appropriating funds from banks without proper documentation! Sometimes they even have to enlist their families in what should be a perfectly legal activity just to make ends meet. It’s time we stop the insane rhetoric about shoring up bank security and just recognize that undocumented appropriaters are living among us. It's not realistic to round up thousands, if not millions of appropriaters and throw them in jail, leaving their small defenseless children at home to fend for themselves. The vast majority of appropriaters are law-abiding citizens that have never hurt anyone. The stories of people getting shot during bank appropriations (what you racist call robberies) are just over-blown hype coming from Rush Limbaugh and other right-wing talk radio. We are a nation descended from appropriaters. When our ancestors arrived in this country, they started by appropriating land and other resources from the Native Americans to build this great nation. Besides, appropriation is good for the economy. Undocumented appropriation provides billions of dollars to the economy every year while doing a job that most Americans will not do.

But I am a reasonable person. To solve the problem of undocumented appropriation I call on Congress to pass a law to make all appropriaters in this country legal after paying a $10 fine and promising to learn how to balance a checkbook. Then Congress should create another massive bureaucracy to take over bank security just as they did with airport security. Call it the Bank Security Agency. The BS Agency will rip out all the security cameras in all the banks to end the unfair practice of facial profiling. Die packs will, of course, will become a thing of the past because they are bad for the environment. The BS Agency will not waste time and taxpayer’s money tracking down alleged appropriaters, but more wisely spend its billions on TV ad campaigns talking about the dangers of undocumented appropriation and urging people to apply for benefits offered to former appropriaters. Then Congress should promise that at some future date they will build a bank security system that has not been invented yet. This is how we can treat undocumented appropriaters humanely while banks across the country can rest assured that there will be no more undocumented appropriations.