A hundred days into the Obama presidency and now he has a crisis where he can really shine: swine flu. Now he can show how liberal principles can be used on this critical situation. As a fellow liberal, I would like to suggest the following approach.
1. Announce that swine flu is a result of the reckless policies of the Bush administration and that Obama inherited the situation. Imply that it has become rampant in Mexico because Bush hates Mexicans and wants them all to die.
2. Announce a guest-worker visa program for Mexicans suffering from swine flu to come to the US for free health care and voter registration.
3. Sue all schools that have shut down for violating the civil rights of those that have contracted the disease. Parents who insist on keeping their kids out of school should be called racist germaphobes.
4. Pass out masks in school and spend $10 billion to educate students on safe breathing practices and how to use the masks correctly. Have them practice putting the masks on cantaloupes or watermelons until they get it right.
5. Sue the swine-producing industry for manufacturing such a deadly disease. Some may argue that pigs have nothing to do with it but we know Big Swine is behind it!
6. Tax and regulate the swine-production industry into financial ruin and then propose universal pig care as the solution to the nation’s woes.
By the time we are done the disease will have run its course (same as if we had done nothing) but we will have nationalized yet one more fine American industry and put the ownership of all pork right where it belongs: Washington!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
When Liberals Get Comfortable
“Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano apologized yesterday to U.S. military veterans who took offense at being mentioned in a domestic intelligence report that concluded that a declining economy and the nation's political climate could fuel a resurgence of right-wing extremism, saying any slight was unintended.” – Washington Post, April 17, 2009
Of course she meant no slight. She was just revealing how good liberals see the military. Is she sorry said it? Probably. Does that means she disagrees with the statement? Are you kidding? Every once in a while liberals get comfortable and some of their less tenable values slip out. It’s not just tax-and-spend that makes up their core. Here are three other quintessential liberal values.
1: The US military is a source of evil in the modern world.
President Clinton summed it up best: “I loathe the military.” People who serve in the military are not patriots, but victims of Bush’s “Worst economy in 80 years.” Having no economic opportunity they go into the military. There they are disillusioned by war and so become vulnerable to more manipulation. The military should never be deployed in war anyway because Ahmadinejad and Chavez are just misunderstood. A couple of glasses of Champaign and some nice dinner conversation ought to turn the whole thing around. Hey, it seems to work on a lot of Republicans in Washington. Let’s save the vitriol for real enemies like Rush Limbaugh.
2: Liberals are smarter than everyone else.
When gasoline was over $4 per gallon, Republicans proposed relaxing off-shore drilling restrictions. Pelosi was worried that this would increase gasoline consumption. Rather than let the vote come to the floor, she said “I have a planet to save.” Rather than present evidence that you are harming the planet with your lifestyle and convincing you to stop, she knows you are too stupid to get it. Car manufactures, now driven to the brink of extinction, have been forced to make cars you would not otherwise buy because, like a little child, you do not know what is good for you. You don’t want universal health care or cap-and-trade. Tough, we could never explain it to you because you are just too stupid to understand. Bush is despised for being too plain spoken, while Kerry is lauded for speaking in sentence so long that you got lost before finally hitting a punctuation mark. And President Obama can read from a teleprompter like nobody’s business. The measure of your intelligence is based on your aptitude for sciolistic rhetoric even if it lacks inculcation of substance. Take that!
3: Keep racism alive.
The Voting Rights Act of the 1960s was the last major piece of legislation to help minorities. This was passed with a majority of Democrats voting against it. Yet minorities in general, and blacks in particular, continue to complain about the same things for the last 40 or 50 years in spite of voting overwhelmingly for Democrats. Liberal papers publish cartoons depicting Secretary Rice as a mammy while the leader of the democrat party jokes about how 7-11 stores are overrun by Indians. Even Biden was shocked when Obama emerged as an “articulate black man.” Boy, that’s something you don’t see every day. (Maybe someone should introduce Biden to Professor Sole. That would really blow his mind.) But finally we have a black president. But why this black president? We have Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton with a ton more experience who have tried for years to win the office. And lack of experience is precisely the reason. An experienced black man could not be manipulated so easily. Do you think those white liberals on the Hill are actually going to let Obama run the government? How giddy Pelosi must have felt to realize the first major bill of the Obama administration was hers to write while Obama’s only role was to ram it through before it could be read. When Obama leaves office, the economy may be in shambles and terrorist attacks may have wiped a few more liberals off the planet but at least minority citizens will finally be happy, right?
Of course she meant no slight. She was just revealing how good liberals see the military. Is she sorry said it? Probably. Does that means she disagrees with the statement? Are you kidding? Every once in a while liberals get comfortable and some of their less tenable values slip out. It’s not just tax-and-spend that makes up their core. Here are three other quintessential liberal values.
1: The US military is a source of evil in the modern world.
President Clinton summed it up best: “I loathe the military.” People who serve in the military are not patriots, but victims of Bush’s “Worst economy in 80 years.” Having no economic opportunity they go into the military. There they are disillusioned by war and so become vulnerable to more manipulation. The military should never be deployed in war anyway because Ahmadinejad and Chavez are just misunderstood. A couple of glasses of Champaign and some nice dinner conversation ought to turn the whole thing around. Hey, it seems to work on a lot of Republicans in Washington. Let’s save the vitriol for real enemies like Rush Limbaugh.
2: Liberals are smarter than everyone else.
When gasoline was over $4 per gallon, Republicans proposed relaxing off-shore drilling restrictions. Pelosi was worried that this would increase gasoline consumption. Rather than let the vote come to the floor, she said “I have a planet to save.” Rather than present evidence that you are harming the planet with your lifestyle and convincing you to stop, she knows you are too stupid to get it. Car manufactures, now driven to the brink of extinction, have been forced to make cars you would not otherwise buy because, like a little child, you do not know what is good for you. You don’t want universal health care or cap-and-trade. Tough, we could never explain it to you because you are just too stupid to understand. Bush is despised for being too plain spoken, while Kerry is lauded for speaking in sentence so long that you got lost before finally hitting a punctuation mark. And President Obama can read from a teleprompter like nobody’s business. The measure of your intelligence is based on your aptitude for sciolistic rhetoric even if it lacks inculcation of substance. Take that!
3: Keep racism alive.
The Voting Rights Act of the 1960s was the last major piece of legislation to help minorities. This was passed with a majority of Democrats voting against it. Yet minorities in general, and blacks in particular, continue to complain about the same things for the last 40 or 50 years in spite of voting overwhelmingly for Democrats. Liberal papers publish cartoons depicting Secretary Rice as a mammy while the leader of the democrat party jokes about how 7-11 stores are overrun by Indians. Even Biden was shocked when Obama emerged as an “articulate black man.” Boy, that’s something you don’t see every day. (Maybe someone should introduce Biden to Professor Sole. That would really blow his mind.) But finally we have a black president. But why this black president? We have Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton with a ton more experience who have tried for years to win the office. And lack of experience is precisely the reason. An experienced black man could not be manipulated so easily. Do you think those white liberals on the Hill are actually going to let Obama run the government? How giddy Pelosi must have felt to realize the first major bill of the Obama administration was hers to write while Obama’s only role was to ram it through before it could be read. When Obama leaves office, the economy may be in shambles and terrorist attacks may have wiped a few more liberals off the planet but at least minority citizens will finally be happy, right?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Obama Saves the Military; Obliterates Pirates
President Obama orders the military to take out the Somali pirates and, boom, they’re dead. No such thing could have happened if Obama had not been there. When Bush was President, the surge in Iraq under Secretary Gates and the military leadership was a complete failure. Candidate Obama educated us at the time that violence ceased only because of factors having nothing to do with the military. Now that Obama is president, the military is being redeployed to Afghanistan under the direction of Secretary Gates and the exact same military leadership. However, with Obama in the White House, we all know that the surge will succeed this time, quelling recriminations and attacks throughout Afghanistan, Pakistan and maybe even the Clinton household in upstate New York.
North Korea under Bush thought nothing of building facilities to produce nuclear weapons and testing missiles. Now they have taken Obama’s lead and appointed a committee to look into perhaps closing down their nuclear facilities someday, maybe. Their report is due out shortly after Obama’s committee reports on looking into perhaps closing Guantanamo prison someday, maybe. And instead of testing a missile they opted recently to launch a satellite into space to study global warming. Don’t tell me it doesn’t exist!
And now those evil pirates have been dispatched without so much as a Hilary-Clinton/Barney-Frank committee looking into the pirates’ feelings to determine what the Bush Administration did to make them act this way. Don’t tell me that taxing your great-great grandchildren into oblivion doesn’t have its benefits. Just wait until we get Cap and Trade. The pirates have vowed revenge. Perhaps they will send us a letter on UN letterhead tell us how upset they are at us (I’m sure there’s a lot of UN letterhead floating around Somalia). You know how devastating this kind of tactic has been to Iran. Or maybe they will send us a video tape from a cave threatening us with eternal damnation, or worse, universal health care. I hope not. The last video tape scared the French so much, they almost withdrew from Paris. Chirac would be so upset that the next time Obama visited France, he might actually have to kiss the prime minister’s wife.
North Korea under Bush thought nothing of building facilities to produce nuclear weapons and testing missiles. Now they have taken Obama’s lead and appointed a committee to look into perhaps closing down their nuclear facilities someday, maybe. Their report is due out shortly after Obama’s committee reports on looking into perhaps closing Guantanamo prison someday, maybe. And instead of testing a missile they opted recently to launch a satellite into space to study global warming. Don’t tell me it doesn’t exist!
And now those evil pirates have been dispatched without so much as a Hilary-Clinton/Barney-Frank committee looking into the pirates’ feelings to determine what the Bush Administration did to make them act this way. Don’t tell me that taxing your great-great grandchildren into oblivion doesn’t have its benefits. Just wait until we get Cap and Trade. The pirates have vowed revenge. Perhaps they will send us a letter on UN letterhead tell us how upset they are at us (I’m sure there’s a lot of UN letterhead floating around Somalia). You know how devastating this kind of tactic has been to Iran. Or maybe they will send us a video tape from a cave threatening us with eternal damnation, or worse, universal health care. I hope not. The last video tape scared the French so much, they almost withdrew from Paris. Chirac would be so upset that the next time Obama visited France, he might actually have to kiss the prime minister’s wife.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Forget Lincoln, Obama Should Emmulate Clinton
Now Obama tells the French that the US is arrogant. Meanwhile, Russia suggests that we decrease the size of our nuclear arsenal. And then it occurs to me. Both problems could be solved with the same solution using an unlikely model: Clinton. Seriously, we’re in this military alliance with Europe, right? But how many of the member nations are strong enough to repel an invasion from a country like North Korea, for example. Obama stated that the main reason for pulling out of Iraq is because Iraq will never defend itself if you do it for them. All the European governments are at least as stable as Iraq (even France now that it’s on its fifth republic) but we have made them in to military welfare wards. It’s US arrogance that makes us think we have the right and responsibility to defend Europe. Clinton told welfare recipients in this country that they had three years and the payments would end. Iraq only has one year to fend for itself. The Europeans may need time to readjust budgets (since they have the pesky “Don’t borrow trillions of dollars” rule), so maybe they get five. Obama should take the missiles Russia wants us to get rid of and give it to the Europeans as our final welfare payment. Then all the soldiers come home. Half of them could be deployed along our northern and southern borders to stop the flow of illegal human and drug traffic. The rest can find jobs in the newly stimulated economy. The savings could be used to pay for that socialized medicine the Europeans have been lecturing us about. We will announce that if war breaks out, we intend to follow the Clinton model. We might lob a few missiles at the aggressor, fly a few sorties overhead, and maybe even bomb the local Chinese embassy, but that’s it. Unless you are like Rwanda and we really don’t like you, then we will just let the UN take care of it. The North Koreans are selling weapons to all their friends; why can’t we do the same? Besides, we need the money to fund all that cool socialism the Europeans have. Now I don’t expect the Europeans to take us seriously at first. Maybe they need Iran to bomb them a couple of times while we stand by (Call it tough love. Hey, it made Monica a stronger person). But wouldn’t it be great to turn on the news just once and learn that Belgium had just tested a missile?
Just Another Summit
Secretary Clinton held out an olive branch to the Taliban saying that we need to understand and address their concerns. The Taliban responded by vowing to attack Washington soon. Now, I didn’t expect them to come away singing the “Star Spangled Banner” but didn’t the liberals promise us that all we had to do was speak nice to these people and all our problems would go away? Hum, something must have gotten mixed up in the translation. Considering how hard Liberal to English can be, I imagine Arabic to Liberal can be tricky sometimes.
The president is flying off to another summit and as usually the peace-loving tree huggers of the world have gathered to shout absurd slogans, throw beer bottles and overturn cars. When Bush was president, the press referred to them by their official title “Protestors”. But now in the liberal zest to rename things, the media is simply calling them anarchists. Now I ask you, just because it’s Obama they are protesting, is that really fair? Next they’ll be calling those valiant Taliban freedom fighters vowing to blow up the White House, “Terrorists”!
And in an effort to save the planet from water pollution, the wise state politicians in Washington (the state) have banned phosphates from detergents. Sanctioned substitutes are ineffective in getting dishes clean. This has led to a slew of caravans smuggling Cascade from neighboring Idaho. So now if you live in Washington and want clean dishes, you either do them by hand (throwing your dishwasher in the landfill) or burn extra gasoline making trips to Idaho. Someone must be taking environmental lessons from Al Gore! State officials vow to crack down on the smugglers. And no doubt they have the manpower to do it now that law enforcement agents not longer have to go after drug dealer and pot smokers.
The president is flying off to another summit and as usually the peace-loving tree huggers of the world have gathered to shout absurd slogans, throw beer bottles and overturn cars. When Bush was president, the press referred to them by their official title “Protestors”. But now in the liberal zest to rename things, the media is simply calling them anarchists. Now I ask you, just because it’s Obama they are protesting, is that really fair? Next they’ll be calling those valiant Taliban freedom fighters vowing to blow up the White House, “Terrorists”!
And in an effort to save the planet from water pollution, the wise state politicians in Washington (the state) have banned phosphates from detergents. Sanctioned substitutes are ineffective in getting dishes clean. This has led to a slew of caravans smuggling Cascade from neighboring Idaho. So now if you live in Washington and want clean dishes, you either do them by hand (throwing your dishwasher in the landfill) or burn extra gasoline making trips to Idaho. Someone must be taking environmental lessons from Al Gore! State officials vow to crack down on the smugglers. And no doubt they have the manpower to do it now that law enforcement agents not longer have to go after drug dealer and pot smokers.
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