Dear Mr. President:

So President Obama, we committed liberals, progressives and assorted leftists have grown impatient with your inaction. Over 10 percent of your first term is gone and I thought by now we would be singing rousing marching songs, praises to the glorious worker state. Even your attempted hand-over of GM to the unions got blocked by Ruth Bater Ginsburg (You know you’re failing as a liberal when you can’t get stuff past a former ACLU lawyer). But what did we get? A media hog, as Bill Mahrer put it, who runs around talking but doing nothing. Sure, before the election you were a media hog who ran around talking but doing nothing (not even bothering to show up in the Senate most of the time) but you promised us change and we thought you would change too. But your inaction, on top of Pelosi’s being a total bimbo, could start making people question the wisdom of putting people in power based primarily on race and gender. If this keeps up, candidates will be placed in positions based solely on qualifications. We could get more minorities like Condoleezza Rice who don’t hyphenate their identities or believe in affirmative action. It may even lead to office holders who actually love their spouse and country (as is), believe that unborn babies deserve protection and think they can actually succeed in life without blaming George Bush for all their problems. Just where would that leave us poor liberals?! For the rest of your term, I have a few poignant suggestions.

• Over-seas Contingency Plan – I like the rename from the “War on Terror”—no sense calling people nasty names just because they strap bombs on their children and blow up innocent people in the name of religion. But some are starting to think that the military action in Iraq worked. The whole “Bush lied about WMDs” thing has kind of worn out. We took what Bush said about WMDs plus what Clinton said and claimed Bush said them but I think that cow has been milked dry. You declared recently that America was a Muslim nation. Now you need to claim that your intense love and respect for the Qur’an as expressed on your last trip to the Middle East is what turned Iraq around (Man, you sound good reading from a teleprompter!) You’ll need to claim the same thing about Afghanistan before Fox News starts harping on the fact that you implemented Bush’s surge strategy there too. I know all that praise for religion sort of burns your mouth but just keep skipping prayer meetings and insulting Christians when you get a chance; we would hate to think you actually became religious at some point.

• Iran – The election there is meaningless because both candidates were vetted by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, their Supreme Leader, a theocrat (Don’t you just detest religious people; why can’t they all talk like Reverent Wright?! Never mind, I just remembered that the Ayatollah hates Jews too.) The real threat to Iran now is that some of the protestors are calling for Iran to be made free. If you want to really get to the Iranian leaders, just threaten to start broadcasting Rush Limbaugh in Persian across their country. For those that still like the Supreme Leader, tell them you despise Limbaugh even more than you despise their mullahs (since this is the truth, you won’t even have to shake you finger when you say it). They will tune in just out of curiosity. All that talk of liberty and self-reliance across the land could really cause them some problems. (This might even work for North Korea too but make sure Chicagoans, New Yorkers and Angelinos don’t hear what Limbaugh is actually saying. Just blow a few kisses at the fawning press corps as you leave on Airforce One with Michelle on date night and they will continue to misrepresent the truth for you). Promise Iranian leaders that if they behave themselves, you will send Stuart Smalley from Minnesota to teach them how to properly steal an election.

• Closing GITMO – So you have had four or five years to come up with a plan and you still have nothing? Your last request for $80 million was turned down by a Democrat Congress because they were not clear what you would do with the money. We liberals love these misunderstood Freedom Fighters and would be glad to have them live in our neighborhoods. Distribute the former detainees among the districts and states that elected Democrats to Congress. Start with Reed and Pelosi. Buy a bunch of ankle monitors and require them to stay within 20 miles of where the member of Congress lives (or at least near Democrat congressional family members). This should not cost very much but don’t hesitate to ask for extra money anyway to create another bloated bureaucracy to oversee the project. Most of these Democrat areas have generous welfare benefits to take care of the Freedom Fighters but many could be gainfully employed by organizations like ACORN (If you learned anything from living in Chicago it’s that you can never have enough fraudulent Democrat registrations). I also hear you may be opening up some positions in the office of the Inspector General. Or maybe your corrupt friends that are using government money for personal services could use a few extra hands for car washing, personal shopping and other stuff. Is your buddy, William Ayers, still looking for some demolition experts?

• Universal Health Care – You have admitted that taking over the health care industry all at once cannot be done. So here is how you phase it in. Start with all the registered Democrats throughout the nation; you know, the ones that voted for change. Force them all into a single-payer program. If you get any protestors, just call them racist tea-baggers or accuse them of loving guns or God or something nasty like that. You can pay for the program through a windfall profits tax on the TV and movie industries. I am sure those rich Hollywood types would not mind parting with half their wealth or more to help the poor. Start with Michael Moore. Some American doctors and nurses may not be willing to work for the pitiful wages offered after the lawyers take their generous cut via frivolous and abusive lawsuits so you may need to import some medical professionals from India, Mexico or Cuba (Get that immigration reform going). After a while you can just fire them all and let the lawyers run the whole medical industry (Hey, if the unions can run the auto companies…) Soon I am sure the rest of the country will see how wonderful socialized medicine is and will abandon their current health-care options to join such a utopian system.

• Slave Reparations – Now you know there was some concern whether an Ivy Leaguer as President could be black enough. And you know we didn’t vote for you because you had accomplished anything (please, Lewinski had more experience than you and that was before she met Bill). Show you’re down with the folks and help us poor white liberals finally assuage our guilt by ordering decedents of slave holders to pay huge sums of money to decedents of slaves. And hey, let’s not stop with black slavery; let’s fix all injustice for all time. My ancestors are from England. There they were minding their own business when the Romans invaded, pillaging and plundering for decades. Today, Italian-Americans are the beneficiaries of that system and need to be held to account. I think $10,000,000 taken from each Italian-American split among English Americans should to the trick.

Now I could go on about the Fairness Doctrine (aka, get rid of Limbaugh, Hannity and Fox News) and Global Warming (why stop at taxing cow farts when pig poots and kitty crap also threaten the planet) not mention how it’s time to start raising money for your library (I know you have no accomplishments to showcase in a library but that didn’t stop you from writing serial autobiographies. Besides, soaking up donations from liberal coffers will torque off the Clintons and you know much fun that can be.) Just DO SOMETHING!!!

Love and kisses from a concerned liberal,
Mickey Mouse
Akron, OH