The Little Dutch Boys and the Pied Piper

Reader warning is advised. If you are a child, childish, overly liberal, pregnant or may become pregnant, this story may not be right for you. Some portion may depict death. Please consult your doctor if death is not right for you.

Once there was a village nestled below a dike in the Dutch countryside. The village was called De Usaloompadoompadeedoo. (For this story we will just call it The Usa. De means "the" in English as in The Hague where liberals want to try Bush officials all the time for crimes against trees, fish and Islamic Freedom Fighters. And Usa, because Usaloompa...whatever, like many Dutch words is just too long since Dutch is a Germanic language. English is a Germanic language too and that is why liberals want us to change to Spanish, which is much easier to pronounce and has nothing to do with what Joe Biden called "Undocumented Aliens" pouring across the borders, collecting welfare goodies and voting Democrat to keep the good times rolling. But let's get back to the story).

One day a crack appeared in the mighty dike built above The Usa to keep the the ocean out. Water poured into the town, undermining the foundation of the great clock tower that had been a long-time landmark. The tower came crashing down, much to the dismay of the villagers. It was soon determined that illegal immigrants from Iceland had stolen a bunch of carts and smashed them into the dike. An Icelandic terrorist group, I'llkillya, claimed responsibility. They objected to the way the Dutch interfered with the flow of water from across the world by blocking it with dikes. Dikes were, of course, a way of life in the Netherlands but Icelanders had no dikes and did not see why the Dutch should have them either. Mayor Van Busch dispatched his bravest boys to the dike to stop the flooding. The Little Dutch Boys, as they were called, quickly stuck their fingers in the crack too stop the flow while the mayor tried to formulate a permanent solution.

Now here is where it got a little sticky. The Usa was divided into two groups. One group liked trees, love songs and sweet rain. They frequently gathered to sing a song called "Let it Be" from which they got their name, the Let-It-Be party or the L.I.B.'s The other group believed in self reliance and taking care of your own nest (nest meant your own house in Dutch). The Care-Own-Nest or C.O.N.'s thought they should round up the Icelandofacists and put them in prison. The L.I.B.'s thought they should talk nicely to the Free-the-Water Fighters to find out why they hated the Dutch so much. In the midst of the debate there was a new election and the L.I.B candidate won, Mayor Barrack Van Damma. (The mayor had a middle name but I am not allowed to use it because it was Icelanic in origin on account of his father's family coming from Iceland).

Mayor Van Damma decided that is was the responsibility of the country dwellers that lived nearest the dike to repair it and announced he was going to withdraw the Little Dutch Boys in 16 months without a plan for the permanent repair of the dike. (Don't ask me where the 16-month time limit came from. It just gave the Icelanders an idea when they could attack again). Then the mayor announced he was going to focus on a problem that the rest of village had not thought about. Now, the village courthouse was where many people, especially the elderly, gathered for entertainment. It was, after all, very funny how child molesters got off with a few hours of community service while people convicted of yelling at cats, trees or children were sent to prison for years. Studies had shown that people lived longer when they indulged in regular attendance in the courthouse. But like many courthouses, it was infested with rats. The rats would chew through villager's wooden shoes. The affluent would wear steel-plate shoes lined with soft fur to avoid being bitten. But these shoes were very expensive and Mayor Van Damma did not think it fair that poor villagers could not afford them. But the village could not afford to buy steel shoes for everyone.

One day a piper from the far-away land of Montana named Maximus Backamus came to The Usa and promised to drive away the rats. When the mayor asked how much it would cost, the Pied Piper, as Max was called (I think pied refers to the shape of his face or something) assured the mayor that they need not worry about it since his piping will not only drive out the rats but cause sweet rain to fall endlessly on the village. Enthusiastically, the mayor reported to the L.I.B. dominated village counsel that signing the contract will cause sweet rain to fall and the poor will vote L.I.B forevermore. Many of the C.O.N.'s were concerned about the details of the contract and its huge cost. The L.I.B.'s accused them of being prejudice against the Mayor because he had big, floppy ears. Now the mayor was the first person with big, floppy ears to hold the office (although a previous L.I.B mayor, Wilhelm Van Grabanintern, claimed he was an honorary big-floppy earer) but the C.O.N.'s insisted their objections had nothing to do with ears.

Villagers protested the contract en masse but the counsel and the mayor approved the contract (without reading it; go figure) and the Pied Piper went to work. The rats left the courthouse (well a lot of them at least) but they did not leave The Usa. Instead, they infested the homes and businesses across the village, multiplying and tormenting everyone. When the baker complained that the rats were eating all the bread, the mayor simply took over the bakery and fired the baker. Somehow, that didn't fix anything and soon The Usa was broke from paying so much money to the Pied Piper. So the mayor decided to distract everybody by pointing out that while many of the Dutch boys holding up the dike were heroes, some of them were offending Icelandic Free-the-Water Fighters by pushing too hard against the water behind the dike. The C.O.N.'s insisted that the harsh finger-indention techniques were warranted to keep the ocean waters out and had been approved by Mayor Van Busch (After all, not a drop of water had come through the dike since the flood). But the L.I.B.s insisted that some boys had pushed so hard that they had contorted their face and contortion was illegal.

Unfortunately, the L.I.B.'s just said, "We are the ones in power." They threw half the Dutch boys in jail for what L.I.B.'s called their "dam crimes" and violations of "hydro-rights" while the other half was sent home with the Mayor's public thanks but told privately by the mayor's henchmen not to carry guns, display the Dutch flag in public or send emails about fish or they might be arrested. Meanwhile, I'llkillya had smuggled a giant bomb into the country and mounted it onto the dike. It exploded in a giant BOOM! The ocean poured into The Usa, wiping it from the map.

Now I you may not have heard this story before since Foxnews was the only outlet to cover it. But I am sure that if you had been made aware of the plight of The Usa before it happened, you would have done everything you could to prevent it. Well, maybe you still can.